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True-life of David of East Midlands, UK

 

Introduction

This bloke is always bullshitting his way through life. First of all, he has NEVER done 8 hours in his f****g life. Also, he has a nickname of Benny which he used to disguise his true past.

He once got arrested for the murder of serveral children.

Hes the biggest, fattest, dirtiest hobo alive. For instance, he was caught urinating in the kitchen sink and the bath & sink basin.

Actual Facts

As you can see from this picture, his OWN mother tortured him as a baby. Note how she tried to turn him into a girl by putting curlers in his hair.

Also, as a child, he was put in a special home for the mentally retarded. His own mother called him (and I quote), "A little f**k**g mongolian".

His Obsession

This picture shows his mother Margaret D just after she married a weasel called Berti Dunkley who is the genuine scrooge with his money.

Dave was so obsessed with his ma that he has explicit porn photos of her all over his digs. He used to jerk over them until he was caught & arrested by his wife Jean (AKA Pop 'N Fresh).

Passion Killer

One day, after meeting his wifes daughter Jackie, he had a few Bacardi's with her and both of them started flirting with each other on the sofa. Later that night, Dave asked her to come bed with him but she noticed piss stains down his trousers and gunge around his mouth and therefore declined.

John Hurt Fanatic

David became obsessed by this gentleman called Edie which he thought was the spitting image of John Hurt, the Actor (his favourite movie star.

Dave immediately took a fancy to the old fella after spotting him standing at a piss bucket relieving himself with his hand. He pulled the chaps trousers down and discovered that he had no penis.

Theres plenty of other facts regarding David. Heres a few
  • At coventry, he tripped over the lawn and toppled over
  • He wears clothes with holes everywhere
  • He walks along peoples gardens with his tackle hanging out pissing along
  • He constantly farts in public places
  • He phones his local radio station panicking about his football club but he don't know shit
  • His head sways & bobbles severely when he walks along
  • He brushes along peoples cars & edges as he strolls along looking for young girls
  • He watched his young neice taking a shower through a peephole in the wall
  • He gets up early in the morning to exercise his cancer lungs
  • During the early hours, he drinks a full pot of tea
  • He smokes around 140 fags a day
  • He keeps a tight account of his money
  • He has everything on the never never by getting loans from the social security
  • When debt collectors call round, he hides behind the sette & soils his underwear
  • He pasted his dog after it stole a chicken drumstick from his plate
  • After his affair with John Hurt, His stepbrother Alan popped 9 of his lounge windows with half of a brush
  • His stepbrother Alan told him, "Give that fu**king kettle back!"
  • Hes a great fan of Fed & Rose West
  • He used to walk around the town centre with his mothers frocks on
  • Hes been signing on at the labour exchange since he left school

 

 

This information was brought to you by the two Roaches

15 July 2000